India to launch cow urine as soft drink

Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? India’s Hindu nationalist movement apparently has the answer: a new soft drink made from cow urine.

The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India’s biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, according to the man who makes it.

Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called “gau jal”, or “cow water” – in Sanskrit was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched “very soon, maybe by the end of this year”.

“Don’t worry, it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too,” he told The Times from his headquarters in Hardwar, one of four holy cities on the River Ganges. “Its USP will be that it’s going to be very healthy. It won’t be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins.”…

…He insisted, however, that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets. “We’re going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind,” he said. “We may also think of exporting it.”

Executives at Irving Oil Ltd. knew they had a problem with their Mainway brand when a survey found that only 3 percent of shoppers there correctly identified the store they’d just visited.

More than 96 percent of customers called it “the Irving station.”

So, the Canadian company has launched an ambitious plan to rebrand its 350 convenience stores, including 50 in Maine. Its stores in Elliot and Wells this weekend will became the first in Maine to get the new moniker – Bluecanoe.

“Bluecanoe” name [sic] doesn’t mean anything in particular – yet. The company will spend an enormous amount of money (it won’t say how much) infusing the word with the meaning that Irving wants consumers to take from it.

“Before Starbucks became all about gourmet coffee, what did it mean? Before Amazon was an online retailer, what did it mean?” asked Tim Guen, senior brand manager at Irving. “That’s a marketer’s dream, to start with an empty vessel and imbue it with meaning.”

We were hoping that the one-word presentation of Bluecanoe was a typo and the actual name would at least be Blue Canoe, but no such luck. Since the logo treats the two words with different colors to distinguish them, however, let’s consider the two words separately, in which case the name actually does have meaning. It’s very Canadian, evokes a lake somewhere, and it rhymes internally, something that has helped make 7-11 memorable. In its sector, Blue Canoe is instantly memorable and leaves competing gas station convenience store names like Speedy Mart, Quick Stop and Kwik Shop in the dust.

Is the name too dot-bomb-y? It would be if Blue Canoe was an Internet based business, but this is different headspace. It’s important to remember that consumers compartmentalize these things, only processing the names in context. Of the water-based names, this is a good one given the competitive landscape. Nothing like the water foul committed by Sag Harbor, a company that sells clothing to soccer moms. Think about that for a second.