The European Union is proposing a “global registry of protected names,” to extend worldwide the EU rules which legislate, for instance, that parmesan cheese can only come from Parma, Italy, feta cheese can only come from Greece (“even though more feta is produced in Denmark, which has challenged the rule”), asiago cheese from Italy, Camembert from France, and Gouda from the Netherlands.

The European Union has yet to submit a formal proposal to the World Trade Organization. The 15-nation bloc essentially wants to expand globally the application of its own list of roughly 600 protected food names now honored by its member states. That list includes about 150 different types of cheeses, most from France, Italy, Greece and Spain.

What would become of that ubiquitous green cylinder of Kraft Grated Parmesan Cheese in the back of your refrigerator? Imagine “Kraft Grated Hard Cheese.”

The WTO already recognizes such “geographical indications” for wine and spirits.

Think Champagne, which can only be labeled as such if it comes from the Champagne region of France. If it’s from elsewhere, it’s called “sparkling wine,” “Blanc de Noir,” “Blanc de Blanc,” “Spumante,” or something else. But not Champagne. The EU wants to extend such restrictions to the rest of the 600-odd names on its list.

But American producers are also dependent on the names, says the Grocery Manufacturers Association of America, which is working to defeat the proposal.

“It costs billions to make, market and brand a product,” said Sarah Thorn, the association’s director of international relations. “For our companies, the trademark is the most significant thing about a product.”

This brouhaha has the makings of becoming the next trade battle between the EU and the United States, and may just be the latest manifestation of fundamental philosophical and cultural differences. Europe inclines toward preserving the past, the United States toward appropriation and reinvention.

If nothing in America is sacred, how can it be expected to consider European geographical names as taboo and off-limits? What would happen to Las Vegas if names such as “Paris” were suddenly verboten? Our entire way of life could be jeopardized, and that would be no gouda.

What Are iShares, you ask? According to Barclay’s Bank, “i” stands for “industrial strength” and “investment,” as in “iShares Industrial strength investment tools from Barclays Global Investors.” Oh, and also “i” for “innovative”, and “index funds” as the pitch continues:

iShares Are an Innovative New Investment Opportunity

iShares are the world’s most extensive family of Exchange Traded Funds (ETFs). iShares combine the advantages of stocks with those of index funds. Like stocks, they are liquid, easy to use, and can be traded in whatever number of shares you wish. Like index funds, they provide diversification, market tracking, and low expenses. In short, iShares are “industrial strength” investment tools you can use to get the exposure you need, at the level you want, at the moment you need it.

Unfortunately, the one thing investors are most afraid of is getting burned by another Internetesque flame-out, so the adoption of the quintessential Internet naming convention and the letter that has come symbolize “Internet” is an odd choice, to put it charitably.

iShares — the stuff parodies are made of.

IBM just announced that its new mainframe computer will be unveiled in June. As is often the case with high tech products, the computer has a great code name and a less than inspiring official name. Time will shortly tell which name prevails. From Geek.com:

IBM is set to unveil T-Rex, the code name for its latest and greatest mainframe computer. The new system will boast more powerful processors, new memory, and an updated operating system. This is the first major upgrade to IBM’s mainframe system since 2000.

T-Rex’s official name is the eServer zSeries 990, and it boasts up to 32 processors, all of which can be added to the machine’s processing capacity on the fly. With an almost tripling of capacity over its closest sibling, T-Rex can “process 450 million e-business transactions a day, or can manage hundreds of virtual Linux servers,” according to IBM. T-Rex will start at US$1 million, but there will be four available models by the beginning of November 2003.

Though even the word “mainframe” sounds outdated, the systems comprise over 40% of IBM’s profits. The target companies for the machines are large banks, retailers, and insurance companies whose current code will only run on mainframes. These usually older companies have complex systems built on the old code that simply can’t be replaced. T-Rex is expected to go on sale in June.

T-Rex is a great name, given the fact that it will be the biggest baddest mofo on the block. It’s especially provocative since both the concept and the term “mainframe” are seen as dinosaurs. T-Rex would be an enormously bold, confident and effective stand to take.

So, what’ll it be? T-Rex or eServer zSeries 990? History offers no comfort here. AMD’s chip, code named “Sledgehammer,” became “Opteron,” while Intel’s “McKinley” chip became the “Itanium 2.”

For more than seventy-five years, Yellow Freight Lines has stuck with one of the simplest and most engaging color schemes ever devised. Their trucks and logo are orange, and their logo consists only of the word “Yellow,” with no additional information. When you stop and think about it (we all have), that’s engagement.

Another shipping company, UPS, is currently promoting its corporate color, brown, as its new nickname: Brown. Well, at least for another week or two.

Officially deceased since 1996, the seminal video game brand Atari has been resurrected. The Franco-American company that bought the rights to the name Atari from Hasbro announced Wednesday that it will adopt the legendary brand for its new name, shedding the less than legendary moniker Inforgrames (“r” included):

The Atari name is the most storied in video gaming, dating back to the early 1970s when Nolan Bushnell and a team of engineers at Atari created “Pong,” the arcade video game that was so popular that machines sometimes jammed because they were overflowing with quarters.

“What we have decided to do, following a very precise strategy, effectively is to adopt this brand Atari,” Bonnell told Reuters. “Clearly we feel like it is the symbol of the global company that we became during the last two years.”

The company is gearing up to make a big splash with a new Matrix 2 movie tie-in computer game, “Enter the Matrix,” but loveless teens of all ages can already purchase the company’s “Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee” for the Xbox.

So, why was this famous ice cream product named Eskimo Pie? Well, it’s cold and round. That’s all we could come up with. Fortunately, the good people at FoodReference.com got us thinking again with some historical background:

Christian Kent Nelson (who was also a high school teacher) invented the Eskimo Pie in Onawa, Iowa in 1919 or 1920. He originally called it the I-Scream-Bar. Supposedly inspired by a boy having to make a difficult decision; the choice between ice cream and candy, and only having the price for one. This inspired the salesman to combine the two, and create the Eskimo Pie….By early 1922, they were selling at the rate of a million bars a day, and supposedly caused the price of cocoa beans to rise by 50%!

All well and good, but our nagging Because Why? investigator just wouldn’t relent. Why “Eskimo Pie”? Why not “Polar Bear Bar” or “Penguin Pie”?

Unable to find a satisfactory explanation online, we did the unthinkable and cracked open an actual hardcover printed book. What we found was chilling.

To refresh your cinema history, Nanook of the North was the first full-length motion picture documentary. It riveted audiences with an inside look at Eskimo life when it premiered in 1922, just months before Eskimo Pies got their new name. Says An Incomplete Education by Judy Jones and William Wilson, about the phenomenal appeal of Nanook (p. 135):

Unpredictably, a big commercial, as well as critical, hit. Of course, it helped that the picture opened in New York in the middle of one of the hottest Junes on record; but beyond that, viewers couldn’t get over the way they were invited not only to travel to a distant clime, but to look into somebody else’s mind and heart. [Aside: the first "Reality" programming.]…Then there was Nanook himself: the bright eyes, the continual smile, the weather-beaten face. Within a matter of months, Eskimo pies were being sold on both sides of the Atlantic, and words like “igloo,” “kayak,” and “anorak,” formerly known only to anthropologists, were popping up in grade-school civics tests and sporting-goods store windows. Too bad Nanook couldn’t have basked in his new fame: He died of starvation, out there on the ice, shortly after the film was released.

Extra scoop

Häagen-Dazs was named in 1961 by ice cream magnate Reuben Mattus, who grew up in the Bronx. He choose the name because it sounded European, vaguely Danish. It’s a completely made-up name for an ice cream company that resides in Pennsylvania.

That’s right, it’s Friday and that can only mean one thing at Snark Hunting. It’s time for our weekly look at Scottish entities that were considering a name change, and then thought better of it after quaffing a few pints: Ham-fisted name change gets veggie little support and Royal Bank denies name change plan.

Some of Scotland’s neighbors to the south on the Little Island That Could are struggling with their own identity. Mike Wolfe, Stoke-on-Trent’s first directly elected mayor, wants to change the city’s name, a deed likely punishable as treason in Great Britain, where renaming the Royal Post Office Consignia nearly started a revolution, and ultimately an expensive reversal back to the old name. Reports the BBC:

Mike Wolfe says people are easily confused by the city having the same name as one of its constituent towns. Stoke is one of six towns that make up Stoke-on-Trent, along with Burslem, Fenton, Hanley, Longton and Tunstall.

Mr Wolfe believes a change of name could help to attract investment to the city, as well as giving local people a stronger sense of identity.

To recap, for those keeping score at home, that’s Stoke, Burslem, Fenton, Hanley, Longton and Tunstall, together making up the greater community of Stoke-on-Trent. Let the rebranding begin!