The French have a word for it: but soon, America will not. Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have pushed a culinary name change through the House cafeteria, where French fries and French toast are now called “freedom fries” and “freedom toast.”

If this kind of pressure isn’t enough to get France to play ball, Congress is prepared to turn up the heat and legislate the following changes to the American lexicon:

While the terms “Spanish rice” and “English muffins” are secure at the moment, other countries are in danger of having their names stripped from the Lexicon of Freedom if they fail to back America’s war plans in the U.N. Security Council. Chilean sea bass, already endangered, will have to be renamed “freedom sea bass;” the Mexican hat dance will appear on ballet programs as the “freedom hat dance;” Russian roulette will be listed as a cause of death in police reports as “freedom oulette;” Chinese checkers will fly off toy store shelves once they’ve been renamed “freedom checkers;” if Guinea doesn’t come through, then guinea pigs will be called “African freedom pigs;” and if Turkey fails to allow America the use of its bases to invade Iraq from the north, then the official bird served up on Thanksgiving tables across the U.S. next November is slated to be chicken.

Back on the culinary front, Julia Child will henceforth specialize in Angolan cuisine. Look for her new cookbook, Freedom-loving Angolan Eats at an underground book bunker near you.